A Twilight Christmas
by katiesparks
Summary: Not to be taken seriously. Edward, Bella, Magic Baby,I mean, Nessie, and Jacob don't help Santa save Christmas. Or something like that. "Jacob, did you eat the reindeer?" "No, they were just normal deer, I checked, they didn't have any rain on them."


"Oh, damn it." Edward said, reading a letter that seemed to be...glittering.

"What was that, Eddie-poo?" Bella sung from the other room.

"We got Santa-duty this year. Damn it." Edward said, eyeing the letter with disgust.

"Santa-duty? What's that?" Bella asked, walking in.

"Well, everyone knows that Santa's a vampire, right? So Santa-duty is when Santa makes other vampires come help him deliver Christmas presents to the children in the world." Renesmee said, walking into the room with Jacob following behind her like a lost puppy.

"Renesmee? How do you know that?" Bella asked, confusion written across her face.

Nessie gave her mother an exasperated look. "Didn't we go over this yesterday? I'm freaking magic, woman! What part of Magic Baby don't you understand?"

"Yeah, you tell her Nessie!" Jacob cheered her on and Bella gave him a hurt look.

"I miss when Jacob was my cheerleader." She pouted.

"I miss the fourth wall." Edward murmured to himself before giving the other occupants of the room a glare. "Can we get back to the topic at hand here? This is supposed to be some obscure mockery of a Christmas story, not 'Make Fun of My Dense Wife' Day."

"Aw, thanks for defending me, Edward, I knew I could count on you." Bella said, hugging him around the neck.

"Anyone else would notice that he just insulted them, but no, not Bella." Jacob said, looking at them as if he were about to puke.

"Did I give you permission to speak?" Nessie snapped at him. Immediately, he looked all sorts of guilty. "Did I give you permission to look guilty?" After than, he just opted for some neutral look and Nessie turned back to her parents.

"So, yeah, Santa wants our help to deliver presents. Whoo-hoo, let's go." Edward said and began walking out of the room, the rest of them following behind him typically.

"Aren't we going to tell the others where we're going?" Bella asked as she hung off Edward's body at random places.

"No, we don't need to butcher anymore of the cast than entirely necessary. We have too much respect for them." Edward said.

"Cast?" Bella asked and looked to her daughter.

"Not answering that one. These Magic Baby Powers aren't just for your amusement, Mom. These have important uses!" Nessie said, crossing her arms. "Jacob, carry me, I bored with walking."

"As you command, my totally not-jailbait-at-all one true love. Without you, I might be in a healthy relationship with non-vampires and where would that leave me?" Jacob said picking her up.

"Without me. And that wouldn't be good because I'm fucking magic." Nessie said and Edward looked at her in shock.

"Where'd you learn that? I'm sure we didn't cuss like that around you." Edward asked.

"Yes, but Emmett and Rosalie aren't exactly quiet if you know what I mean. Can we get this story on the road? This person isn't used to writing for such vapid characters, she's going to give up if we keep dragging this out." Nessie said.

"Yeah, I mean, normally characters are more developed than we are after four really huge books. But I'm pretty sure my only defining feature is my love for Bella. Which reminds me..." Edward turned to Bella, who'd been humming a happy song and not really paying attention. "Bella, I love you!"

"Oh Edward! I love you too! Let's make more babies together!" Bella exclaimed. They then began making out.

"Hey! Story! Get on with it! And that's impossible! There are children here! Hey! Hey, stop!" Nessie began yelling at her parents, who proceeded to roll around on the floor eating each others' faces. "Jacob, stop them!"

"Right!" Jacob walked over and pulled them apart and the two of them glared. He smiled cheekily.

"Let's speed this up! One plot hole to the North Pole, all aboard!" Jacob said, stepping through a door with them and coming out in Santa's Workshop. The big fat man himself ran up to them, glaring impatiently.

"Took you long enough! You, dog, outside, no animals in the workshop." Santa said and Jacob pouted but went to wait outside.

"Now, here's the deal. The sleigh is super fast. You are super fast. We all just throw things out of the sleigh at lightning speed and get this crap over with." Santa explained in simple terms, enunciating very clearly, especially when looking at Bella.

"Right, got it! But Santa," Bella started and at the look on he face, Nessie and Edward both moaned. ", why are there only computers in this room? I thought it was a workshop!"

"Maybe about 200 yars ago it was. You think I have elves make Transformers toys? No, of course not! Elves are only good with wooden toys! We order all our presents off of Wal-mart online. This is the 21st century! Get a grip, Bella!" Santa said, sharing a look with Edward, who shrugged and mouthed the word 'love' as if it explained everything. Santa nodded, waving him off.

"But Santa, how do you know my name?" Bella asked, confusion written all over her lovely little face.

"Because," Santa started as if he were talking to some inferior life form. "I'm Magic."

"Finally, someone who understands!" Nessie exclaimed.

"Right, anyways, sleigh, presents, let's keep this thing moving here." Edward said and began hurrying them towards the door.

"Yes, your wife distracted me. Was she ever, you know..." Santa trailed off.

"No, she's naturally a brunette. I wonder about it too, don't worry." Edward said and Bella smiled at them both.

"I love Christmas." She said and Edward patted her on the head.

Finally, they made it out side to find Jacob standing next to a big red sleigh and large pool of blood.

Bella gasped! "Jacob, what happened!?"

"I found these deer trying to make off with Santa's presents. Don't worry, I took care of them."

"Those were reindeer!" Edward exclaimed, looking at Jacob like he had less brain cells than Edward had previously thought, leaving him with a total of negative one brain cells.

"No they weren't. I checked, there was no rain on them anywhere!" Jacob announced and Santa smacked his forehead.

"Is everyone in this universe blond at the roots!?" he yelled at Edward and he shrugged helplessly and pointed to Renesmee.

"I am not responsible for any of them. And Jacob, bad boy!" Nessie said, brandishing a rolled up newspaper menacingly.

"Damn it." Jacob said to himself. "And where'd you get that?"

"Convenient plot hole. Why do you even bother to ask?" Nessie said, shaking it at him.

"Right, anyways, back to this." Santa said, gesturing to his sleigh dramatically. "Oh no, Christmas is ruined. Now I have to go back inside and tell everyone Christmas is canceled. Bo-hoo."

Santa waited for a moment and they all just stared at him. "Well?" he said after several seconds.

"I'm not saying it." Edward said.

"Me neither." Jacob chimed.

"Ditto." Nessie said, glaring at the werewolf as he stepped far, far away from her and her newspaper.

"Say what?" Bella asked and they groaned.

"Why couldn't you just let it go?" Edward asked and Santa grinned maliciously.

"Say, something like 'No, it can't be! We'll help you save Christmas, Santa!' or some other crap like that. Didn't you ever watch clay-mation Christmas cartoons as a child?" Santa said, hands on his hips.

"Well, whatever happens, I'm not sticking around for it. We're all going back home. Call the Amazon chicks up, they'll help you save Christmas. Or the Volturi or something. I don't care. I'm not being involved with this. I'm taking my wife, my child, and my child's pet and catching the next plot hole out of this frozen wasteland."

"Not a pet." Jacob grumbled, but otherwise made no protest.

"Fine, be that way. I'll just let some other vampires spread Christmas cheer with me." Santa said, crossing his arms.

"Wouldn't the other vampires try to eat the children though?" Bella asked.

"No one answer that and let's leave already." Nessie said, grabbing Jacob and beginning to walk towards a convenient plot hole on the horizon. "See you later, Santa!"

"Yeah, later, assholes! I'm telling everyone you wouldn't save Christmas with me!" Santa called back, waving.

"Have fun with that!" Edward said over his shoulder, dragging an unresisting Bella along.

"Merry Christmas, Santa!"

* * *

(Somewhere, in a certain author's headspace (not so) far away, Bella twitched)

"Why do I have the feeling I'm being made fun of right now?" she asked the other assembled products of an overly stimulated imagination.

"Don't worry about it." Starscream said. "I'm sure it happens all the time."

* * *

**I can honestly say I have no idea. Merry (belated) Christmas. This should not be taken seriously.**


End file.
